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My journey into discovering myself
For a long time, I seek the answers to this question and I thought I might be a covert narcissist seeking attention. Many people I have come across judge me as attention seeker because I choose to be authentic instead of following what society think I should do, how I should behave and what they think is appropriate for a woman. For a long time, I thought they might be right, actually, I would accept what people tell me who I was.
by: Julie Jensen
"I am only a reflection of yourself"
People think they know you, but they don't! Each people's have a unique way of viewing the world. They might have an idea of who you are, but not all things they perceive might be who you really are. There is one thing I used to tell one of my friends, "I am only a reflection of you"(I have to admit I like to play with words, sometimes one might not understand it until later on). Now this has an advanced spiritual meaning. But let me give you a rational example:
I choose to buy a violet dress.
My reason for buying the dress:
"The violet dress is so sexy. "
Your reason for why you think I am buying that violet dress:
"She is buying that dress because it is a spiritual colour."
Your friend reason:
"Since she is a spiritual person, then she is naturally drawn to that spiritual colour, so that must be the reason she chose that specific colour"
There might be some truth in what you are saying but it is not the “truth”. The opinion might be a reflection of yourself because you might choose to buy this colour because it signification is spirituality. So be careful about judging, many people judge that I might be selfish for not giving my half-bread to that other person. And this shows that’s what you are, that is if you were in my situation and you decide not to give your bread then that would be selfish of your part. But the truth might be, I was on medication and it is important that I ate my bread and has 2 small children to feed.
I hope you understand my point of view, those people who viewed me as an attention seeker, it was how they choose to perceive me which was not the truth and was only a reflection of themselves i.e. if they were doing what I was doing then it was to get attention.
Seeking an answer seems to be deeper than predicted
I seek and seek that answer for a long time. It feels like a void not knowing the answer, it feels like this is something important to know. I would write long paragraphs of how I feel when I helped people and what I get but nothing I wrote feel like it was really the answer to my question. The problem of why I could not get my answer was because I was thinking too much; I retrospect on every past action trying to find the answer. I do not regret on my retrospection because that allows me to become aware of things I didn’t notice before. But yes, I ask the universe “why was I drawn to help people so much?”. That’s why the universe and I are best buddies, one way or another, I ALWAYS get my answer (even the one you are hiding from me!).
I believed that everyone who was born on earth has a purpose for being here. For what reason they are here, they themselves can know this. Sometimes we keep seeking for something, we feel empty… why are we feeling so empty? Everything is perfect in our life yet we feel so lonely. Sometimes our spouse/family cannot understand the battle we are having inside. No matter how loved you are, the emptiness is still here. I was reading the book “Brida” by Paulo Coelho and Brida was so much like me. I wanted to know more, I keep seeking knowledge. I recently met someone who told me his reason was also to get that knowledge. I could not help but see myself in him. But the truth behind seeking that knowledge is to fill that void that was disturbing me. It was later on that I understand the reason of why I wanted to seek more knowledge. I was looking for the missing part of me. Loneliness comes from the absence of love. That’s why we all seek a life partner, because we want to stop feeling that void. Yes, I was looking for my soul mates.
Now, why don’t I drop everything and live a peaceful life like Buddha said? The answer is I can’t.
Only one part of the bigger but incomplete puzzle
I see myself as a puzzle that has been broken into different parts. I feel incomplete because there are still missing parts of me out there. That’s the reason it was time for me to start doing my meditation to be connected to my missing parts (the source) but even connecting with the source, the void will still be there because so many parts of me are not aware of what they are. Most of you won’t understand what I am saying but some of you will! There is a saying that you have to be lost in order to find yourself. That’s what’s my missing parts are doing, remembering and understanding who they are. And that mean suffering more and more. I am that piece of a puzzle that is here to assist those missing parts from suffering while understanding more and more of who I am. Some called me light-worker. It sounds crazy; I am the most sceptical person you can ever meet. But sometimes things happened in your life that tells you its time to believe. Hopefully, I will be able to do many things that will help alleviate the pain of others. Actually, no I am not some sort of guru (later in life I might become one for some); I am just that piece of a puzzle that feels the pain of others since I care so much, I feel the need to help my missing parts in feeling less pain.
Being concerned about world issues since small
I remember when I was small; my mother would tell me that I should stop worrying about people. I feel like I was worrying for the world. Actually, I am glad that there are other people that feel the urgency to protect Gaia. Why won’t they respect the place that is protecting them? I would be angry when I tell my parents it is wrong to burn things and they do not listen. I would feel angry that out there in the world there are people who think they have the right to have slaves. I would be angry that there are children who are hungry out there. All these things, it’s a human cycle. Everything is related to one another. For example,
Poor parents → he cannot afford to pay for the tertiary education of his child → difficult for the child to get a well-paid job → child grow up and get married → get children for him → so on(unless the person get a scholarship but in most case, it's not this way)
The above one is an ideal condition. The other day I was talking with a mother who was telling me about her life.
Poor parents → children going to school → get influence in doing drug → become drug addict → steal, kill, rape, etc...
My conclusion is people living in poverty are more influence/vulnerable into doing bad things. And the society should be concerned about this because it concerned all of us.
Resistance from my environment
One day I told my parents I want to work with prostitutes and drug addicts. My parents dismissed my need to do this. I feel frustrated. Are they not aware that there must be someone out there who needs to help those people? We talked about million of problems around the world. We expect other people to do this and that. Why can’t we go out there and do something? Ah yeah, you don’t have time. For me, this is the biggest excuse you can find in the world. I have a teacher who is the busiest person on earth. Always starting new projects yet she found time to help those in need. When I am talking about helping, it is not about changing their personality to be another person. You cannot do that, this is wrong. Many people think they should impose their thought and believe in others. That’s why there is terrorism; they want to propagate their beliefs by imposing their thoughts onto someone else by using violence. This is the wrong way to propagate one's belief but what you can do is to try changing people perspective on a particular matter. If they don’t want to listen, you either accept the difference. If you can’t do this, you walk away.
No one understands my feeling for doing this. If only you can look at a person for whom they are. My lecturer always told me “ Don’t judge the person, judge the action of the person.” Trust me on this, when you break into the defence of a person, you can only see the most beautiful person ever. It reminds me of something. In my neighbourhood, there was a turbulent child and everywhere he goes, people condemn him as a bad child. One day I patted his head and talked nicely to him. I told him I trust that you are a good child. I could see a different child this time. I could see that the child has been deeply hurt. I tried explaining to people in my environment. No one seems to understand me. Anyway, what I learnt from this is that the child needed to feel love. Love is very important in life.
Helping others not in the context of charity
When I talked about helping, I am not talking about me doing charity or giving others for free. For me, that enabling other, not really helping. Wealthy or poor, pain is inevitable. Don’t ever think that your friends had a better life than yours. Everyone has his or her story. I have come to understand that me giving free food, clothes etc. are only making that person dependent on me. It’s the easiest things to do, it feels good to do so, I understand but that’s not really helping. What people can do is to try making that person independent. And the person needs to feel he/she is capable of doing it. The proper skills are important also. But most important of all is for that person to be confident in himself or herself, strong enough to make a positive change in their life. From personal experience, I have learnt that no matter how many skills you have, if you are not confident or strong enough to go beyond your comfort zone, you will never go out from this situation. Love, support and guidance are the most important aspect before a person can make a positive change in his/her life. Since I believed everyone deserved compassion and absolutely everyone in life one way or another, will need help for them to be able to make a positive change in life, I thought why not making my passion into a career. At first, I wanted to work toward being a couple counsellors because I wanted to deal with personal issues and at the same time help others. I was so convinced into doing it because this feels so right. Then I moved on wanting to work with children because I believed if I can guide a child into the right direction then they might grow into being someone happier and independent in life. Then I feel like I am already condemning the adult in terms “they are adults and it’s too late to help them”. And for me, this was a wrong way of thinking. As long as one is living, they deserved the chance to make a positive change in their life hence I conclude I want help both adult and children.
I trust myself to be able to make a positive change in people life. I want to make people happy because it’s made me happy. I am only an individual that was born to guide people (who want the help) into a constructing a better life for themselves.
-Don’t aim to be stronger, aim to be happy. What’s the point in becoming stronger and unhappy? The universe will always listen to you, be careful what you ask for!